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 Before going to the chapel to get married, Philadelphia's Catholic couples are finding Pre-Cana workshops essential. Just ask Derrick and Helen Banks of Upper Darby. A decade ago, they attended Pre-Cana classes at St. Cyprian Parish in West Philadelphia under the direction of Msgr. Frederico Britto. Now, they are part of a premarital counseling team that holds all-day retreat sessions every April and October to prepare their newly engaged counterparts for matrimony.
The Banks' areas of expertise include enhancing marital communication and honoring an interfaith union. The twosome readily shared that when they met as high school freshmen back in 1987 they were immediately attracted to each other. While Derrick came from a strong Catholic background, Helen belonged to the Baptist faith. When they began their courtship a few years later they soon realized that communication and respect for each other's spiritual backgrounds was important.
"It is important in marriage for couples to express themselves," said Derrick Banks. "You just can't say anything. You must say what you have to say in a tactful way. Especially being in an interfaith marriage, we have learned that you have to respect each other's differences."
"It's so important that you speak respectfully to each other," added his wife. "While we may have differences, we both realize that Christ is at the center of our lives. That's why we often will worship together. Usually, because of our schedules, it is more convenient for us to worship together at Derrick's church, but that does not mean he doesn't attend special programs at my church."
The Banks are also forthcoming about their long-term courtship before they got married. They will often warn couples not to jump to hastily into nuptials without really getting to know each other first. Helen Banks added that the couple should not get so overly involved in the wedding planning that they lose sight of the fact that they must live together as husband and wife after all the fanfare.
They stressed that most of the marital problems they have had was based on the "day to day stuff," according to Derrick Banks. Thus, Helen often warns Pre-Cana couples about trying to iron out some of the details of their daily lives before they tie the knot. She usually suggests "looking past the glitz and glamour of the wedding" in order to discuss some of the hard compromises that one will and must make.
"I really think that because we have a history together before we got married that helps our marriage work," said Derrick Banks. "We worked out a lot of our issues, including the fact that I am Catholic and Helen is Baptist, before we got married. We talked about having a Christ centered marriage before we made that commitment, so it became easier for us to honor that commitment."
Since the Banks are parents they also discuss how pregnancy, childbirth and child rearing affected their marriage. For instance, the couple said that when they first got married in April of 1998 they often set aside prescribed times when they prayed together. As their schedule changed with the demands of parenting, this changed. While they still do pray together at sit-down meals, sometimes the morning and evening prayer ritual they had when they were childless often gets readjusted.
Yet the couple stressed that prayer is still an integral part of their lives. In fact, Helen Banks said that in the morning her young son will often ask his parents if they said their morning prayers yet. "We still do pray together, but we always pray individually, and I do believe this is what makes our marriage stronger," she said.
The Banks are also quick to note the example how
couples who have been married longer than they have has influenced them in a
positive manner. John and Laura Odum, for instance, not only serve on the
Pre-Cana team at St. Cyprian's, but are the godparents to their four-year-old
son. As others, like Dwayne and Patty Glover as well as Roy and Pat Kerr,
address further premarital issues at the semi-annual Pre-Cana sessions, Derrick
and Helen Banks find they also benefit. Consequently, they point to the circle
of influence in learning and teaching at Pre-Cana.
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